I was just going through this past day thinking about all that happened. It was a great day. Although I got no sleep the night before I still had an amazing time at my Baby Shower my Mother in law and ladies from church planned. It was this nice big event for Joel, myself, and the baby. There was great food, and we decorated onesies then opened gifts. It was a great treat. Although all the attention was very overwhelming it was nice to see everyone there celebrating a Life with us.
The other night I watched a video on youtube called "The Silent Scream." My God-Mother told me about it. Its a Pro-Life anti-abortion video made sometime in the 80's I think. It was a video that described what an abortion was, how they were performed, and then for the first time, they showed a ultrasound video of a baby being aborted at 12 weeks. I was appalled to find out how gruesome our society is to think that a little human being can't feel pain. It may be a "Fetus" but it still has instincts and is still a human. The beginning of the ultrasound video was interesting to watch. This tiny little being was sucking his thumb and was at a relaxed state so innocent, then they started the procedure and to see this tiny little defenseless baby try to move away, that he actually screamed in the womb was just mortifying to watch. I cried after I watched it and told Joel about it. I think that video really just struck a nerve. We're so arrogant as humans. Taking life for granted in so many ways. I just wished I could save that poor little guy.
Along with that video I've been going through this emotional roller coaster. It's probably a mix of hormones and pre-baby jitters but it's still getting to me. Right after the baby shower I immediately got my nesting bug on and started to organize everything. Then after exhausting my body I sat down looked at all the stuff and started crying. It felt like most of this pregnancy was just me playing house and now reality is setting in and I'm having this baby really soon. I'm literally scared! My fears of not being a good enough Mom. Having to make decisions for a little infant is scary to me. They can't tell me what's wrong or if they're hungry. Once Joel and all my family goes back to work and home... I'll be home alone with this baby. I've never had that before. I know once I see this baby and make that bond... there is no breaking it. And I know that I am ready to be a Mom but it still doesn't stop me from being scared of it... it's so unknown... uncharted territory.
On top of that I'm terrified of going into labor. I don't know if I can handle the pain.. I want to experience the birth at its full potential and I don't want to disappoint myself and get a epidural nor do I want to suffer in pain for however many hours it takes. And the fear of something happening to me or the baby weighs on my mind. I'm fully aware that my baby is on the larger side.. what if I can't push the guy out!? I fear getting a c-section. I'll do it if its necessary but if I were to choose I wouldn't do it otherwise. I want to be able to hold my baby after he/she is born. And feel that relief of endorphins and happiness that I did all this work and got the greatest gift God could ever grant us.
I guess this is just my way of venting all my fears. This whole pregnancy has been a bumpy road for me.. I'm just hoping labor goes smoothly. And that my motherly instincts kick in. Oye I feel like crying for no reason except to just cry. Things will be better when Joel gets home. He always knows how to make me feel better. Thanks for listening to my rambles. Goodnight.
Xoxo
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