Change

CHANGE


Definition:  The act or instance of making or becoming different.


QUOTES 


"Life is always at some turning point." -Irwin Edman


"The one unchangeable certainty is that nothing is certain or unchangeable." -John F. Kennedy
__________________________________________________

Change is hard.  Not only that... change is necessary.  For about 2 years my life has been constantly changing one thing after another.  Starting off with moving, meeting Joel, getting married, moving again and again, and loosing jobs and getting another job, maybe babies, then loosing a baby.  Life has defiantly been at its full force lately.

I'm not saying I hate life... I'm mostly saying that I'm ready for my life to take a new direction. I'm hoping that now that we've moved that we'll stay at this place for a while.  Mainly because I love the company and also because I feel like I can be myself here.  Like its finally time for Me to be Myself.  Which has been really tough for me since I moved to AZ.  

My husband always tells me "Would you rather feel the pain of Change or the pain of Regret?" Which really makes me think about my choices a lot more. I recently started exercising a lot more and have been "trying" to eat a lot better for myself.  I'm going swimming a lot so I don't have to work up a sweat lol and I've been trying to do some more positive thinking.  


I have a very low self-esteem which effects my friendships and relationships a lot.  I always need reassurance that I look good or that I've done the right thing.  Because I'm just not that confident about who I am and what I do.  I've been trying to change that way of thinking but its so hard.  But I'm keeping at it.  


I have had a very moody week so far.  I didn't notice until this morning that my Period is late... which is making me irritated because today was a day that I NEEDED at drink.  Mostly an alcoholic beverage preferably!  But nope my Aunt Flo hasn't showed up so I can't drink! Oye! I'm hoping that I am pregnant but I doubt I am.  I don't really have any symptoms besides the obvious PMS symptoms so I guess I could have a drink.  But I need to respect my body and not give into temptation I really don't need alcohol that bad.  I just need to punch something ha.  


Last night I got sick... I think it was from the junk food or something.  My stomach started to hurt really bad and before I knew it I was throwing up in the toilet.  About 30 minutes later I feel really ache and my stomach was empty.  But the nausea went away.  


Well.... Here's to Change... May something Good come of It! <3


Xoxo

Moving: Phase 2

So we still have a long way to go but we basically cleaned everything up and organized all that were in boxes are in better, prettier places. We did move all of our Bathroom and Bedding set here.  We also brought all our cat stuff and our two cats here as well.  


Poor scared kitties are under the couch freaking out.  They were exploring but now they're just scared and haven't come out yet.  But I assume that when they get hungry or need to. Oh wow speaking of the cats they just came out and I stuck them in the bathroom so they can use the potty and eat so hopefully they do.


We went swimming today after cleaning for a few hours and now every muscle in my body is sore! Ug! Well tomorrow is the big day when we move the rest of the stuff in!  So be prepared for a poorly spelled and lethargic sounding post because I will be so tired! lol But all is well and we're loving this place already!


Xoxo

Moving Phase 1

So today is the day where we move as much stuff as we can until Monday rolls around.  So far we got a few boxes moved in.. our entertainment center and are huge sofa which our strong men bravely took up the stairs nearly killing themselves!  Have I mentioned how much I love these Men and how appreciative I am of them... Well if I haven't I am now.  Without these strong, witty, brave, sarcastic, amazingly funny and adorable men all us girls would either be bored or lesbians! And neither of those sound too pleasing! lol  So thank you men for helping when needed and being there when we need it the most =)

The Entertainment Center almost Done.

So we're all still alittle overwhelmed by all this moving  and unpacking.  My whole body aches from scrubbing the bathroom, moving boxes and furniture and putting Joel's brand new desk together.  I had this sudden burst of energy from drinking coffee of course and just couldn't stop doing things.  Course having my whole life sprawled out in front of everybody (as in all my items in general) is a little overwhelming to me.  I get very mad at myself because people have to stare at my junk.  

This is the Mess I'm talking about.

I know to most of my friends its not a big deal and its understandable to have a mess cause we are indeed moving in... I just still feel responsible for mess and embarrassed that everyone has to be overwhelmed by it as well.  But the good thing is I'm starting to see a good change in this place.  Things are looking more feminine and clean.  I love how organized and stylish everything is turning out to be.  

Sorta Blurry but its stylish

The Sofa Made it safely

Here's Joel's desk.  I put it together all by myself!

The tub that I literally scrubbed til I couldn't no more.

Safe to say I have officially overworked myself but I am content because everything looks pretty.  I'm super excited about painting Stephanie's living room too.  I have it all planned out and so does Bethany.  I also get to design my room too!  So I'm SOOOOO excited about that one! lol  I think my Hubby is bringing the cats over as we speak so I'll let you know how them react to this brand spanking new place! lol I'm pretty sure they'll flip!  




Xoxo

Happy Birthday Joel

Today is Joel's Birthday!  Yay!  Also its our friend Alex's Birthday as well!  So far not much has happened mainly because we're getting ready to move on Saturday and Monday. But Joel and I did have our alone times together and it was indeed nice.  


Right now I'm sitting in our Church Educational Center where we are indeed having swing dance lessons. Course about 30 minutes ago I started feeling the weird pain around my left hip and it hurts so bad.  I have no idea what I did to it.  I didn't really do a whole lot today except for clean some.  So I'm sitting in pain wondering when this darn Alieve will kick in so I can hopefully dance a little bit.


Later tonight we're going to Zachary's Pizza to Celebrate the Boyz birthdays and probably just all hang out.  I feel like being social today I just I feel better by that time!  Ug DUMB LEG! 


So I haven't been talking about babies much either... but its mainly because I was seeing if I could keep my mind off of them... Nope I can't.  I love babies too much to stop thinking about having one.  I told Joel and if nothing happens til December then I want to see a fertility doctor just to make sure everything is ok with both of us!  


Oh and Joel is going to join the Air Force.  We'll see if he'll make it!!! We have so many plans I hope everything runs smoothly from here until we get going!  


Xoxo

Getting Going On Life

I finally got around to writing again.  Joel and i had an amazing One Year Anniversary yesterday.  I woke up and he made me some breakfast and gave my not one... but TWO bouquet of flowers.  One bouquet was very colorful and beautiful and the other was a dozen roses!  I love him.  

<3 My Flowers! <3

Then we spend time together watching TV shows like The Office and well.. doing married business.  Then we got all Snazzed  up and went to Olive Garden and had a wonderful meal and dessert.  Then went to the movies and watched Kong Fu Panda 2.  Which was hilarious BTW.  


The only bad thing was that when I woke up for some reason all my joints mainly the ones below my waist we inflamed and sore and swollen.  So I could hardly walk or sit or even move without hurting all over.  I think I was having an allergic reaction cause I've had the reaction before to a shaving lotion.  But I'm not positive.  But I took some alieve and by the end of the night I was starting to finally feel better.  But my night was very delightful.


Today was a nice day as well.  Mainly just sat around lounging. And played DnD with some friends which was quite hilarious! lol Joey and I were our own group and we stumbled upon John, Cliff, and Mikes group and we're starting to join alliances.  I feel so much better playing with them tho.  They're a lot of fun and always keep things... Interesting... lol for once I can be myself in a DND world! ha ha.  Hopefully Stephanie will start playing with us so I can have another girl playing with me!!! 


Other than that we're starting to move soon and I'm super excited!!! Love living here! At "Our House" defiantly a great place to be and great company!


Xoxo

Not in the mood!

Well today was a tiring and bumpy road.  Joel unfortunately didn't get the Sheriff Job.  Part of the physical you had to be able to have certain amount of flexibility and although Joel was .15 of an inch away they still wouldn't give it to him.  So when he got home he was depressed and wanted to sulk which I decided was not what he needed.  He needed to talk to his friends and family cause they know how to make people feel better (Its in their job description).  Then eventually he started to feel better and we went to church and hung out with a few good friends afterwards.  


Then Adam invited us to go to a backyard music bash over at a friends and so we went.  And at first it was fun listening to everyone and we dance a bit.  But then everyone it seemed HAD to smoke and I can't stand smoke nor smoking because my grandparents both died because they smoked.  So I never want to be around it and if I am it makes me sick.  


So here I am feeling sick and starting to realize that this is not my crowd of people.  They may be great people inside in and out but it was just way too overwhelming for me.  Too many people way too many convos and so I shut down.  I wanted to talk to Joel cause at least then I would tell someone how I was doing, but he was so busy BBQing and talking to all the ladies and gents that he never actually TALKed to me yes he Talked about me but its not that same at that time and place.  


And because of that I just started to get very irritated and angry so we finally left and I try to talk to Joel about it calmly cause I know he's tired and I don't want him to think I'm that mad.  And even tho I was about to burst... I knew I was being irrational but for his sake and mine I had to talk about it otherwise it'll build up and get worse.  So when I actually get around to talking to him he get mad at me.  Which makes it worst and then when I try to defend myself he starts falling asleep!!! UG!  How do I work with that!? So now I am too mad to go back and talk to him so I took my cat ad put some comfy clothes on and I'm sleeping on a comfy couch tonight. 


Worse thing is our anniversary is on Monday and I had being mad around this time.  But then again I just wanted to tell him how I was feeling and he just turned it around and made it about him... so idk... I guess we'll have to talk tomorrow. Today was not the best of days.


Although I did paint some more.  Its looking good =) 


Xoxo

Just an inch away from it all!

Well this coming Monday is Joel and My Anniversary!  One Whole Flippin' Year!!!!!!  Wow it went by so fast yet I felt like I've been with him much longer.  We have known each other now for 2 years which seems like such a long time in a short while.  But its true when your having fun time does fly!  These past 2 years have been the most roller coaster filled years of my life but in the end its making me stronger!  


Today is also Swing Lessons, we are going to be reviewing one last time on all that we've learned and then letting everyone dance and teaching them rhythm cause some of them do need it.  I think it'll be fun.  


My art project is coming along.  I got the basics down and I need to talk to my mom about it cause she's the master of the arts pretty much and she'll know if its a good idea or not.  I hope that it will be and then she'll show it to apple jack and maybe they'll sign me a contract so I can possibly paint and sell different but similar images of this.  I would post it but I'm pretty sure someone would probably try to steal my idea if I did.  SO I'll keep you posted on that one.  I should be seeing my family on labor day weekend cause my Aunts coming to town YAY!  So then I can show my mom the Actual idea and see what she thinks. 


Well other than being all dressed up and no where to go yet... idk what else there is... OH except that tomorrow Joel is taking his physical test for his sheriff job so please pray from him!  We have high hope for this job!!!  


OK that's it! Love Y'all!


Xoxo

Dancing in the Rain

Well altho today has been rather slow and blah... I did have an awesome time running in the rain.  Every summer I like to at least once, dance in the rain and get soaked!  This year it has been tough tho cause the rain is so scattered or I'm sleeping or it rains when I'm indoors doing something important and stops once I reach outside.  But not today!  I heard the Thunder and new today was the day to Dance!

Me excited to see Rain!!!

RAIN!!!!!!!!!

Hey wait... whats over there?!

Whoa FLOODING!

Best Day Ever!

I am Completely soaked but a Happy Camper.

Other than having another emotional day trying to work through my feelings of left out emotions and telling everyone the truth,  dancing in the rain made my day feel freeing and calmed down.  I also talked to my friends in cali and I must say I am feeling a lot better about that situation and I miss them a lot.  I have an awesome art project that I want to try to sell I'm going to show it to my Mom who I hope will help me work all the kinks out and get the ball rollings!  All in all today is getting better... 

xoxo

Letting go...

Well after my venting session  and talking to my husband and to Stephanie and a few more friends of mine, I am stricken with the truth that I am wrong again with some things.  I do have friends who care they just don't know how to care at the moment cause I'm pretty much a new toy to them!  But as so some of my friends in Cali I guess I'll just let them go and not talk to them and if they call me or text me then I'll open that door once again.


Its just hard when friendships are so big to me.  Letting someone go is like cutting a piece of my heart off... its not pretty nor does it feel good.  But what must be done... must be done.  And when/if they realize they're missing something I hope its me that they're missing.


On a brighter note I prayed for the first time in a long time.  I was taking a bath cause I wasn't feeling good and I was feeling very overwhelmed by my emotions so I decided a nice warm steamy bath would help me relax which then help me realize that... I forgot to pray about what was going on.  I forgot to talk to God about what I've been going thru so I did and afterwards I felt amazing.  I now feel like my soul has been cleansed and I think I am ready to move on.


But to all my friends out there both lost and found, with me, or long distance, past, present, and future... I will always love you and I will always be here if you realize where Jen go! lol


Xoxo

So Alone

I feel so alone this week more than I have ever felt in my entire life.  The only person who wants to take the time to get to know me is my husband.  I just don't belong anywhere.  I know I know people have lives I'm not saying that I don't have "friends" I just feel like nobody wants to be friends the way I treat my friends.


I'm a very understanding, always listening, anytime any place kind of person.  I used to have that in California but lately my friends in Cali are getting swept away in their lives that when I need to talk to someone, they're not there.  So maybe my new friends here want to listen to me since I listen to all their problems and help them get over issues.  And last night I realized that they just don't think of me that way either.


Yes when we're one on one maybe they'll listen to me.  But when I'm upset and everyone sees it I just wish someone would pull me aside and ask 'What's wrong?"  Is that so hard.  Just a little tiny bit of sympathy.  Cause I do have bad days and I do need someone anyone to listen just for a little bit.  I need that!  But I guess nobody sees me as a friend like that.


I don't like convincing people to be my friends, nor guilt-ing them, the last thing I want to for someone who doesn't want to be here listening to my problems.  I feel like I need to test everyone like to not talk to them at all and to see if maybe they'll come to me, maybe wanna hangout or want to know  why I didn't call them.  I don't know if I could actually do that since it makes me feel so bad and I just love my friends so much that I'd do anything for them... but them again would they do that same for me... probably not right now.


This is me Venting BTW so please don't get offended.  I just need someone to be there for me for at least some part of my life.

Confrontations and Realizations

Today has defiantly been an odd day.  Its like a Theme Day and everything is revolving around this theme... and altho a theme may sound fun this theme isn't so much.  And the theme is Confrontations! lol Seemed like everyone was in the mood to confront somebody today including myself.  Aaron and Stephanie are dealing with their awkward living situation that is tangled in a wed of awkwardness!  And I accidentally confronted my friend Kyle which was not meant to happen. 


I guess I was very emotional today, I was talking to Stephanie about friend problems and she mentioned something like 'I hate always being the one who initiated conversation, I like it when they take the time to talk to me as well' .  Which really made me think about my good friends in Cali and kinda made me upset that my main good friends don't like talking to me.  I love to call and text them... but I just don't feel like its reciprocated.  Which I know they have lives and are busy... but I also have a life and am busy but still find time to try and call or text, or even send a Facebook message.  


Which by the end of today I was talking to Bethany and she made me realize that I've changed.  And that I love my friends no matter where they are but maybe they have just moved on from me.  Or maybe they're looking for a friend like I have with Bethany... which is my best friend in Tucson.  Which doesn't mean I replaced anybody... but that I just added someone new to the collection.


I just wish things were easier and that they did want to talk to me. That I didn't have to remind or convince someone to call me.  I feel like they should want to do it as much as I want to... to keep this friendship fresh and alive! 


Today I am done with.  No more revelations like this Please!  Makes me cry way too much. 

What's New!?

Its sure been a busy week!  We've been house sitting for Stephanie and have been driving back and forth all week.  Also Joel found a job that has him working with kids and adults with physical or mental disabilities.  He helps them get jobs or achieve personal goals ect.  It sounds amazing!  Also this week he got his results for his sheriff test and he passed it!  So next he has a physical test later this month!  So we're praying and training for it!  


I think yesterday I started ovulating.  Which I never felt before but I started to get cramps and was getting moody, tired, and achy.  I sorta still feel that way today which is why I didn't go hiking with everyone.  Which I now regret cause I have nothing else to do now!  Blahhhh so bored!


Stephanie is coming home today which is nice.  I kinda have the need to be in a group of people at the moment which is driving me nuts!  Mainly because nobody is here which of course is my fault!  Such a vicious circle this is!  Well other than that there's not much else... except for us moving fairly soon!  Yay!  Finally!


Xoxo

Slumber Parties and Dreams

Well we've been sleeping at Stephanie's place for the past week mainly because we're getting used to the distance and our friend Darren dropped off his cat for us to humbly watch so that's what we're doing.  Yesterday Joel and I decided to have a slumber party with Bethany and Adam so that's what we did!  It was a lot of fun.  We hung out and played games and watched movies.  


Now I am up and we are eating some delicious pancakes!  And laughing about lame jokes.  Yesterday I hurt my foot running away from the pool at Bethany's... I stepped on a Pointy Rock that went thru my foot.  It hurts to stand on it for very long but I have a band-aid so it's feeling a bit better.


Oh and if "Big John" reads this, I want everyone to know that he is an amazing guy and that he is defiantly a great friend to both Joel and myself! lol Hanging out with you is a lot of fun. And we enjoyed meeting your sister too!  She is awesome!  I like her a lot, she's very funny! =) 


I also had this odd dream that I was back in California and I was wanting to hang out with my old friends.  Then Bobby (Best Guy Friend) showed up and asked for a haircut so right when I was about to cut his hair and a bunch of people from all over the place showed up even people I've never met before! lol then as people started leaving I gave everyone hugs and talk for a while to started to walk outside when a guy started shooting... and the first thing I did was find a kid and I shielded her from the blasts.  And that was it! Ha Ha.


xoxo

Exciting weekend

So lots to catch up on.  We celebrated Joel's Surprise Party this past Friday and boy was he surprised!  It worked out pretty perfect.  Kate and Sammy made it just in time and we all played Laser Tag and ate cake and pizza.  Also played on the bumper boats!!!  I got so soaked!  


Also we decided that we're moving in with our good friend Stephanie.  She has a great heart and I trust her with my life.  I can tell that we're going to get along so perfectly.  She has a nice home west of Tucson and Pima Community College is just a couple miles away from her place.  


I'm thinking about going back to college to take more art classes both drawing and painting and eventually get my Associates degree!  I've also been thinking about babies.  I really want one but I'm not sure if I should figure out when I ovulate... I might just attempt to see if it works but not make it a big deal.  Joel and I are in a good place right now.  Its almost our one year anniversary!  I'm excited about celebrating. 


Anyways that's it for now.  I'm currently at BMN with a bunch of friends.  I'm out!


Xoxo

I Spelunked while Spelunking!

Well just got back from Spelunking and boy was that exhausting!  Down here in Tucson there are TONS of Caves and Hiking Trails also lots of mountains.  Joel and I like to explore the mountain range.  I don't remember the Cave's name that we went to but its was pretty awesome... yet if you are very claustrophobic like I am at times it was not the best of experiences as I hoped it would be.  When I get stuck between a tight spot and I can't move I freaked out and I can't be there anymore... but Joel helped me calm down a few times when I was feeling the anxiety of the tight places and the sticky humidity didn't help at all!


After crawling on my knees through mud, dirt, and rocks, and also climbing onto ledges using my body strength and legs/arms as leverage!  I am banged up pretty good after all of that!  Ouch! My knees especially!

This knee is the one that hurts the most!  Poor thing! 

This knee just looks like I have a disease!

After all that... I am exhausted yet content!

   Now after all of this is done and gone... I'm ready for round 2! Swimming! lol or maybe some drop dead diva! ;) 


xoxo

Hair Cut For Joel Take 2

This is my second time cutting Joel's hair... and yes I did get a little too carried away with a few things but overall it all looks pretty darn good!  Let me show you the overall outcome of this event:

BEFORE PICTURE!  Sad Joel doesn't know what to do! ha

 Here is the back as I first started to cut!

 I got his Left side done... I guess I should even it out! lol

He's enjoying this a little too much!  I think he really liked this hair doo!

 CHINESE FOO!

 AFTER PICTURE!  Yay its all short!

Yay!

 Sorta messed up in the back but not too Shabby!

I Think He Likes It

And there you go!  We are both Happy Campers! 


xoxo

EVIL RMS is FIRED

Well as fun as painting was yesterday Joel came home early just to inform me the his job RMS (Call Center) fired him.  Although it is and always be a horrible job neither of us are working now which makes it tough to pay bills.  I'm very glad that he doesn't work there tho.  Pretty much the job he had was owned by Sprint and the taught you how to lie to the customers.  Like if the person you were talking to spouse just died then you have to try to connect to them on the same level and say "Oh I know how you feel... My wife died a month ago..." how is that legal! And that is only the start of how evil the company was.  He was pretty much treated like a dog.  If he did a good job he got a treat of some sort.  Its disgusting! 

------EVIL------


But now that he's done with that job he's out trying to apply for a bunch of other jobs.  I'm proud of him that he's getting back out there.  I need to give him a haircut.  And his party is still on for this weekend I just hope I can pay for it all... most of it is already paid for anyways.  Oh my handsome husband.  

Me and My Handsome Husband


Last night we played Dance Central on the X-box Kinect and it was a lot of fun.  We even got to see our dear friends Alex, Stephanie, and Bethany try it!  Oh boy I'm sure we all looked ridiculous!  I must bring my camera next time to film it!  O priceless moments!  I am feeling so much better about life and I think I've finally moved on!  Thank God for showing me how to live a happy healthy life again! <3

Surprises!!!

So this Friday is Joel's Surprise B-day Party!  I'm so excited!  I booked a table at "Funtastics" and got Pirate/Cameo Decorations!  Tomorrow Lexa and I are going to the store to get a huge sheet cake and decorate it!  I think I need balloons but that's it.  He's going to be 28 and his real birthday is Aug 26.  But Since his best friends Kate and Sammy are in town for the one week before Kate returns to Holland we're surprising him with them.. and I also got him a new computer/work desk since he's an aspiring business man its time that his office looks more professional!  I really hope he's surprised!

Big John is going to take him laser tagging that day so I'm going to complain and ask Lexa and Bethany to hang out when in reality we're going to be setting up!  I'm so excited!  Now that most of it is planned I feel very proud of myself!  Seeing I've been planning it for over a month and he still knows NOTHING!  Woot!  I'm am the sneakiest girl I know! Muahahahaha

Today Bethany and I are going to have a creative day.  I need to focus on painting and she needs to focus on writing so that's what we are going to do.  Sounds nice to paint again... Only bad thing is my mind is thinking about babies again... altho my body is healthy it makes me what to try to have a baby again lol... but I must stick to my guns and just not think about it... its just so hard!!! Babies are just to Darn CUTE!!!  

xoxo