So even though I had kind of a weird day yesterday it actually turned out pretty good at the end. My good friend was concerned about me and thinks I should go to a doctor to get my emotional problems checked out. Which is actually a good idea seeing that I've been fairly depressed some days and fine the next. So much has happened in 2 years that I don't think I've caught up to myself. I've gained weight which makes me feel very crappy and since loosing a baby I've been very emotional about everything. As much as I try to move on with my life and get in shape, get a job, and make friends... in just one day it all crumbles. All my hard work of trying to stay positive is lost because of my insecurities and my fear of being judged or disliked. It used to never be this bad but now I'm afraid of everything it seems. But ME the person I really am isn't afraid to be somebody and be noticed... i just have no idea what is wrong with me.
Yesterday I caught myself packing EVEY THING in the house because I convinced myself that the faster I get things done the faster the moving process will come and maybe... just maybe... I can be better and like myself again and then maybe God can see that I am a good person and that I would make a wonderful Mom. And that I'm ready for the commitment of a child! I am Sooo Ready for it! But Who am I kidding... God knows me better than I do... only He knows.
On a Brighter Note I saw the last Harry Potter Last night! For not really being into the whole books and fanatics it was actually quite enjoyable! It was the midnight showing so it was a lot of fun... but Joel and I were so tired... lol way past our bed time! But I got to dress up all pretty so that made me happy =) But all is good right now! Just hoping for me to heal so I can be a better person...
You've managed to express the general way I think and feel. The only difference is I don't have the balls to put it in writing. ;)
ReplyDelete